------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ground Humor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Air Humor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- US Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
base Kadena, Japan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If the ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
on a sunny day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity
as slow and gently as possible."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply:
"I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Water Humor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue water Navy truism:
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous